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Irregular Correspondence

Here at Irregular Jonathan Speaks, we get a lot of feedback, and we really appreciate it. We thoroughly read every letter and e-mail we receive, we always think about what readers have to say, and sometimes we incorporate suggestions directly into the web site.

Every once in a while, however, we get some correspondence that we just can't keep to ourselves. Funny, strident, ignorant or bizarre, we'll put it here for you to read yourself. We'll add our own response when it's called for. Should you feel the need to respond yourself, feel free to write us with your own feedback. Happy reading!

name: Brandon
referring to:Nike University
date: October 24, 1999

comment: The article on Nike wages is a crock-o-shit! $2.48 a day is equal to almost $6.00 in vietnam numbnuts. I know I used to live there. Why did I get my dvd player for only $70. It's because the almighty dollar is worth more there. Shut your mouth and because you have two things you can do about it. Like it or absolutley nothing.

suggestion for future articles: Articles that show he uses his fuckin' GAP wearin' adidas wearing head!!!!

We sent "Brandon" back a letter, but unfortunately it seems he gave us a bogus e-mail address. Brandon, if you're out there, this is for you:

Hello, my anonymous friend. This is your pal, Numbnuts. You seem to have some unresolved anger going on there. Please take care of it - I'd hate to see you get jailed for bashing someone's head in. Now, back to the point. I have three responses to your comments:

  1. Would YOU like to work 12 hour days for $6 any more than you'd like to work 12 hour days for $2.50? If so, please consider donating the remainder of your paycheck to charity.
  2. Read the paper. Over the past two years, sweatshop corporations like Nike have made significant concessions as a result of concerted pressure by concerned people.
  3. You don't have to choose between wearing Gap, Adidas and Nike, all companies with tainted sweatshop traditions. For instance, we at Irregular Jonathan Speaks buy used clothes at resale stores, so that our money goes to charity rather than to support the abuse of other people. Sweatshops are not inevitable.

name: Pope Crab
date: January 6, 1999

comment: Groove on soul brother: this is a truly orgasmic site! I have a little story to tell you - more of a confession. Back in late July 1990, aged 17, myself and some friends (who were, I might add, VERY, VERY drunk at the time) decided it would be fun to ring the Iraqi Government HQ in Baghdad and ask for whoever was in charge. After much investigation, we found the phone number and got straight through, but unfortunately our Arabic wasn't up to scratch. The rather confused man at the end of the line said "Sorry, please" and put the phone down. Undaunted by this temporary linguistic hitch, we decided to try again and again all night. On our eight call (after much yelling and, I think, swearing in Arabic), we again asked to speak to the manager of the establishment. Rather than the usual semi-hysterical Arabic (it was 4.30 am over there at the time after all), we were answered by an exceptionally well-spoken man (in English).

This a rough summary of the conversation: "I want to speak to the manager!" I gibbered "What?" came the reply "I want to speak to whoever is in charge! There's a fly in my soup and there's no fish left. Where's the manager?" "I'm the manager. I'm in charge. Who are you? Why are doing this to us?" he said.

Two days later Iraq invaded Kuwait. I have wondered ever since if it was all some ghastly fish/fly Arabi mistranslation mistake. So sorry to Iraq and all that.

name: Philip Benjamin
referring to:Irregular Poetry
date: April 10, 1998

"What is mind ? No matter! What is matter?
Never mind!" What is quantum mind?
Wow! A quetzalcoatlian quagmire
A convoluted caconym well-meant!

But quantum is a measure
The smallest of existence
Of all that is real for sure
Be it matter, energy, space.

Is mind real, fair and square?
Then what its smallest measure?
A mind quantum, be aware
Is a hard scientist's night mare!

What travesty, the phylogenic order!
All life must be attuned to one mantra
DNA-wise at all levels molecular
A mish-mash of panpsychic plethora!

Back-action trio! Quantum Muses go classical
Electron-emoton, proton-psychon,neutron-neumaton
Piggy-backed, presto!Mind-body coformation
Emoton- plants, beasts add psychon!The trio but in man!

name: Philip Benjamin
referring to:Silhi Gurus
date: February 27, 1997

comment: You have used the expression 'great guru'. Would you like to amplify this? Great in what? How? Was there some kind of Shekinah Light floating over him? Did he split the Atlantic Or Pacific Occean? Did he split the Mighty River Mississippi? Did he walk on the waters? Did he stopped the storms? Did he die and then rose physically from the dead? Did this risen Guru appear to many many people upto say 500 all atonce for at least a month+ days? Did he go beynd the Relativity Theory? Did he levitate on his own powers? How great? Please explain.

name: jjaammaa
referring to: the Y2K satire
date: December 24, 1999
comment: found your thoughts on Y2K amusing. I agree with the idea of anti-phsycotic drugs on hand. I think the government should think about opening up free clinics and handing them out free to any maniac that wants to come in and get them. maybe even forcibly giving them to those we find most threatning. Like little Pokemon addicts. what will happen if Y2K interrupts the shipments and there are little deprived, depraved rugrats running around our cities? Of course they will have to be medicated. We need to set up clinics NOW. Medicate the children!!! that should be our cry! Arm yourselves against the ten year olds who will be roaming the streets of your city looking for a Pokemon fix. Like little glassy-eyed junkies they will assault little old ladies and burger-king employees! No burger-king employee will be safe. We must set up safe houses for them. Yes, i have found my calling. thank you Irregular Jonathan for this inspiration. I must get to work.

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